Living under my shadow.

Do you ever feel like you are disappearing? Taking a step back in everything you do? Missing the best smile that you had all the time? Gotten so scared until you don't dare to let anyone in? I've always know that I've to do what's right for me even if it hurts some people I love, but I've always been living under my own shadow. 

There's this reason why I've been living under my shadow. It's not that I thought I will be happy to be the same 24/7, but it was because I thought if I ever let someone in and it fell apart again and this time I might not make it. It's easier to stay to this me now because what if I let them in and I learn that I need them but I actually cant have them? What if suddenly I like them and lean on them? What if they shape their life around it? Can I survive from that kind of pain again? The pain of losing is like dying..the only difference is death do comes to an end but the pain of losing..it could go on forever. 

So, to keep me alive under this shadow of mine, I can only go on accepting things that happened around me, no matter how hard it is because I'm afraid of losing. To avoid losing, I can only choose to change. It's either I adapt to the changes or I get left behind, losing everything. There is always this little moment that I wish I'm alone even without my shadow so that I can stop pleasing the changes and enjoy the silence. But when I'm all alone, there's this small buzz in my head asking me to run out from my shadow. And then, things are like repeating all over again. Back to square, I can't run out from my shadow because I don't want to lose. And when I get the whole picture of my life, all I can do is, stop trying to plan my life instead I can only live it and see where it leads me.